Illusions

The weather man announced 55% chance of rain today. Throughout the whole day I’ve been waiting for the clouds to close in and for the rain to start washing away the pain. I’ve been realizing for some time now, how much pain has been trapped inside of me… far too long. Today I have been looking forward for the clouds to join me as I search inside my heart and soul in preparation to the next couple of days.

I recently read this quote: “The day that we would be together would be the best day of my existence. But I’m living each day as my worst, because I know the day I’ve been dreaming of is just an illusion I chose to believe in”. Is it possible to fool yourself into believing that what you’ve been dreaming of will actually happen? I know what you are thinking. I’ve been living each day under the shadow of an illusion. I’ve been living each day with the desire to see all I want, and all I need to be met by others rather than fulfilling them all by my own hand.. I did one time. And lately it seems like I have forgotten how much it cost me be in the position I am today.

I understand now that for some life is an act; a show people choose to put out there for different reasons. Some might do it to get recognition. Others want to demonstrate they are capable of meeting other people’s expectations. Some are just looking for ways to fool others; I call them good actors. There are some that manipulate and use those around them. Me? I prefer to be real. What you see is what you get.

I want to go back to the old days. The days when I lived every day in the moment. No plans or expectations. Not relaying on other people, because people disappoint you and you end up hurting. The days when I left behind what was not adding anything good to my life. The days when I was living for me. I need to take my life back. I need to take every opportunity and live it with great intensity.

The rain finally came. But the rain did not take the pain away. However, the atmosphere feels different. It is time to take the trash out, throw all the illusions and all the unrealistic dreams away and start living in the moment again.